Oh boy!

June 11th.  It's not Christmas and none of us have birthdays in June.  Still, it was a very important day in our house this year.  It was the day we had been looking forward to for MONTHS, five months to be exact. Five months felt like a long time to me but it had to be to at least two years in Kate & Elise time.  So needless to say there has been a lot anticipation. On June 11th we were going to find out if Bee (baby three) is a boy or a girl.  

I had been planning how the morning would go for weeks.  My husband was taking the day off of work because we were leaving for a weekend camping trip shortly after lunch.  It was a coincidence but the timing couldn't have been more perfect.  I envisioned the four of us, showered, fed and well dressed arriving at my doctor's appointment on time and in a good mood.  The lights would be dimmed and a little gray and white person would pop into focus on the computer screen.  "It's a girl!" the tech would announce joyfully and we'd all cheer.  We'd spend the rest of our day talking about baby names and calling all of our friends and family to share the good news.

In reality it went a little something like this....

I wake up feeling sick and crabby.  I feed the girls while my husband rushes to get our dog to the kennel since we won't have time to drop him off after our appointment.  I manage a quick shower and rush to get dressed.  When I get downstairs I find the girls are dressed... for camping.  My husband thought it would be a good idea to get the girls ready so we wouldn't have to change their clothes after lunch. Normally I would appreciate his efficiency but the derivation from my vision for this day combined with my "woke up on the wrong side of the bed" attitude left me feeling irritated.   Unfortunately, we were running late which meant he wouldn't have time to shower.  He is also dressed for camping and smelling slightly like dog kennel.  My bad mood is contagious but we all pile into the car and much to my relief we arrive the required 15 minutes prior to my appointment. 

The girls stake out a good spot in the waiting room where we proceed to wait.  And wait. And wait.  People come in, they see doctors, they leave.  We wait.  55 minutes later they reassure us we are next.  I point out that we have to be next since there is no one left in the waiting room.  The office staff does not appreciate my grasp of the obvious and their apathy does little to improve the mood of our motley crew. 

And then it's our turn.  I secure my position on the exam table and the lights are dimmed.  Kate begs the ultrasound tech to tell us if Bee is a baby brother or baby sister.  She is counting on another sister.  Actually I am too and so is my husband. Everyone except Elise is hoping for another girl.  In the preceding weeks Elise asked very nicely if she could "have a baby brother please!" but she has also reassured Kate several times that it will be OK if it is another sister.  Typical Elise, go with flow and easy going.

As much as I wanted to hear the words "it's a girl" I knew it was going to be a boy. My husband and I had a bet for weeks.  The closer we got to the appointment the more confident I felt. When the moment came for the ultrasound tech to check the gender it was very obvious.  She didn't need to tell us but she did anyway.  Boy. I was stunned.  Boy?  How could it be a boy? I knew what my body was telling me and I saw it confirmed in on the monitor but where was my little girl? I wanted my sweet little bundle of innoncence wrapped in pink and now she was gone! My husband was speechless, Kate was verbally expressing her disappointment and Elise gave a soft "yay!".  I was grateful for the cover of darkness because without warning I started crying. I was disappointed.  At first I was crying because it wasn't a girl and then I was crying because I felt guilty about my disappointment. 

I felt like a horrible mom.  We'd just been told what all of our earlier tests suggested, the baby was developing normally and measuring right on track.  We were blessed with a healthy baby!  The miracle of that feat is not lost on me.  We've watched friends struggle with fertility issues, have friends that desperately want babies and for various reasons do not have children, personally struggled with fertility which required medical intervention and suffered multiple miscarriages.  So being able to become pregnant and stay that way has never been something I've taken for granted.  And still I cried ungrateful tears of disappointment.  I wanted to smack myself.  What if my child knew how I felt?  God forbid what if something happened before he was born... how would I ever forgive myself? 

We left the appointment quietly and in the days that followed  my husband and Kate joined Elise in her excitement over our new baby boy.  My husband's reaction to my sadness makes me feel the need to clarify my emotions.  My tears don't stem from a disdain for boys but rather a loss of what will never be in the years to come.  I've watched my girls grow together and love the way their relationship is evolving.  I've spoken with some of my friends who have all daughters and they tell me it's like one big continuous slumber party.  My OB has 3 girls and she says it's like growing up in a sorority.  And from that knowledge I envisioned three grown women sharing secrets over pedicures, shopping for a girls getaway, sharing clothes and being the best of friends.  It's hard to imagine we'll no longer refer to our kids as "the girls" and I've worried that our son will literally be the odd man out.  Then there's that saying. I first heard it when I found out Kate was a girl.  Someone congratulated me and said "you know, a son's a son 'till he has a wife but a daughter's a daughter all her life".  It's haunted me ever since. 

Time is ticking and as I move past the half way mark of my pregnancy the crying has stopped. I've slowly begun to look forward to meeting our new baby.  The girls' excitement over their baby brother is absolutely contagious.  I let Kate and Elise each pick a sleeper for Bee.  I've also found joy in the relationships my friends have with their sons. I've spent time looking at my nephews baby photos and think how lucky we'd be to have a boy like him. I know that when he gets here my son will be greeted with all the love and excitement that new people deserve.  In the meantime, we're scouring the baby name books and re-baby proofing our home.